


The Aristobats

by glitterandlube



Category: DC Comics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-07-24
Updated: 2010-07-24
Packaged: 2017-10-10 18:56:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/103059
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glitterandlube/pseuds/glitterandlube
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't really know myself</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Aristobats

Superboy, Kid Flash, Red Hood, Robin, and Nightwing stand around on the roof of the Gotham City PD. Stacy gawks at Nightwing as she snaps the Bat Signal off. He smiles and waves at her. She tries not to fall over, and mostly fails. Spoiler catches her, and says, "Don't worry, everyone does that." Cass points to herself and shakes her head.

Steph amends, "But not Batgirl because she's made of sterner stuff."

Cass flexes her arms as Stacy laughs.

Gordon looks at them skeptically. He asks, "So is Batman near by?"

Nightwing asks, "You don't trust us to handle this?"

Jim stares at them.

"That kind of hurts my feelings." Nightwing says. "I'm really competent, and so is Robin and Batgirl."

"Hey! At least some of us don't dress like male prostitutes." Kid Flash says. "Plus, I can read a library in ten minutes. You can't do that."

Kon whispers loudly, "Dude, shut up, we want him to keep dressing like that. If he doesn't, Robin will hate you for the rest of your life."

Kid Flash looks at Robin who nods seriously. "Forever. No forgiveness."

"Fine. But tell him I'm competent! And also, tell him when I get older I'm going to be hotter than him! SO HA!"

"I didn't know you were having delusions, KF. Uh."

"Shut up! I saw myself in the future! I was really hot. Robin was really hot too. And Superboy. We were all hot. I hope we make a lot of porn in the future. You know, for world peace."

"We could call it Teabagging For Justice." Kon suggests.

Everyone on the roof stares at him, and Jim pleads, "Is he over on another building? Just say yes."

Red Hood says, "He's in Thailand." He continues, "See, once a year, when Gotham's really gotten to him, and he wants to fucking cut open everyone's balls, he knows he has to take a break. So he goes on a little vacation. He flies over, in the Bat-plane, because shit, why else have a goddamn Bat-plane, if not for pussy, to a massage parlor called the Night of the Mystery. When he gets there, all these cross-dressing sixteen year old female midgets rub peanut butter into his skin. He stays there, on his stomach, getting massaged for two days until they empty all the jars and the table is covered in his manly essence. They collect it all to power their town for the next year.

After they're done, they take turns pissing in the jars for good luck. Batman collects all the jars for a surprise for Two-Face later, and then he leaves, wearing nothing but the peanut butter and his cape. He walks down a long street where twenty beautiful street walkers wait. After that he fucks all of them, he has sex with their mothers, their fathers, their brothers, and the little old lady who runs the massage parlor. Finally, it's just a massive town orgy, where he dry humps everyone in the village until they're all begging for mercy from his giant dick. Afterwards he breaks into Buckingham Palace so he can jerk off on the Queen's face. That's how she's lived so goddamn long. Because he's Batman."

There is a long moment of silence, and Kon says, "That's pretty inspired, dude. You know KF and I are going to be double teaming that shit with the peanut butter on your little brother later, right?"

Jason nods, and replies, "I'm doing it to your grandmother tomorrow."

"Nah, Grandma ain't into skanks."

Jason points to his crotch and says, "I bet I can change her mind, Superbitch."

"Don't make me get Kal down here to pimp slap your fucking face off, assclown."

"Like I'm afraid of that whiny cunt."

Kon shrugs. "Your funeral. Oh wait, you like those."

"It's the only way to see who your real friends are."

"You have friends?" Kon asks. "Stabbing someone more than one time doesn't make you their friend."

"All of you shut the fuck up." Nightwing says. "You're embarrassing me in front of Jim."

Bart mutters, "No one wearing an outfit that tight is capable of shame or embarrassment," as Tim kicks him in the shin and hisses death threats.

Jim yells, "Look, you idiots, a gang calling themselves The Sara Lee Revenge has been breaking into gyms, robbing the patrons, and setting the equipment on fire. They've hit fifteen gyms already."

"Yeah, we know, we dropped them all off in the lobby ten minutes ago. They were wearing coordinated track pants." Bart says. "Hey, you guys want to get some Korean food?"

Jim bangs his head against the wall as Cass pats his arm.

A week later...

Batman lands on the roof of the GCPD.

Jim hesitantly asks, "Were you in Thailand?"

Batman reaches under his cape, pulls out an empty peanut butter jar and wordlessly hands it to Jim Gordon. The Commissioner slowly backs away as Dick says, "The best part of the story is that Batman doesn't like peanut butter."

Jim Gordon wakes up screaming. He shoves the covers off, and walks into the bathroom, squinting into the mirror. Maybe therapy isn't such a bad idea after all. He walks into the kitchen to get a drink, and when he turns around, there is an empty jar of Jiff on kitchen table. He spends the rest of the night locked in his office with a gun at the PD. Just in case.


End file.
